The Teacher Philosopher - Marquis de Sade
Among all the learned matters one tries to cram into a child’s head when one is in charge of his education, the mysteries of Christianity, though doubtless one of the most sublime elements of that education, are nonetheless not among the easiest to explain clearly to a young mind. Try to convince a young man of fourteen or fifteen, for instance, that God the Father and God the Son are one and the same, that the Father is consubstantial to the Son and vice versa, etc., all that, however necessary it may be in ensuring a person’s happiness here below, is far more difficult to make a person understand than it is, say, to teach someone algebra. And when you really want to get your point across in a meaningful way, it is sometimes necessary to resort to physical examples, certain concrete methods that, however disproportionate they may seem, nonetheless make it easier for a young man of reasonable intelligence to grasp.
No one was more profoundly practiced in this method of instruction than Abbe Du Parquet, tutor to the young Count de Nerceuil, who was about fifteen years of age and possessed of one of the handsomest faces imaginable.
”Father,” the young count was wont to say virtually every day to his tutor, “the truth is, the whole notion of consubstantiality is completely beyond my powers of comprehension. For the life of me, I just can’t figure out how two people can be one. Could you be kind enough to clarify this for me, or at least bring the mystery down to my level.”
The good abbe, anxious to leave no stone unturned in making sure his student’s education was complete, and pleased by the thought that he might make it easier for his student to comprehend anything that might someday be an important factor in his life, seized upon a rather pleasurable means of overcoming the difficulties the young count was having in understanding the concept, figuring that an example taken from real life might just do the trick. Accordingly, he had a young nubile girl brought forth and after having instructed her as to what was expected of her, conjoined, as it were, the girl and his young student.
”Now,” said the abbe to his student, “do you understand more clearly the mystery of consubstantiality? Do you see how it is quite possible for two people to be but one?”
“Oh, good heavens, yes, my dear Abbe,” the randy young count responded, “I now understand everything with amazing clarity. Nor am I any longer surprised if this mystery, so people maintain, provides as much pleasure as that reserved for those in heaven above, for when two people become one ‘tis pure pleasure, I find.”
A few days later the young count asked his tutor if he wouldn’t mind giving him another lesson, for the more he thought about it the more he realized, he said, that he had not fully plumbed the depths of the mystery but that he was sure that if he tried it one more time everything would become crystal clear. The obliging abbe, who had in all likelihood been just as amused by the scene he had concocted as his student had been, called the same girl back and the second lesson got under way. But this time the abbe, especially moved by the vision offered to him by the sight of young de Nerceuil as he was consubstantiating with his companion, could not refrain from involving himself as a third party interested in the further clarification of the evangelical parable, and the beauteous backside upon which his hands were compelled to roam in the process of his explanation ended up exciting him uncontrollably.
”It is my studied opinion,” said Du Parquet, “that things are progressing at far too fast a pace. Much too much buoyancy in all the movements, as a result of which the conjunction, not being as intimate as it ought to be, does not conjure up a proper image of the mystery. Let me demonstrate… If we set about it just so, this way…” whereupon the scoundrel did unto his student precisely what the student was doing unto the young lady.
”Oh! Good God above! you’re hurting me, Abbe,” the lad exclaimed. “Nor can I see that this whole ceremony is serving any useful purpose. In what way, may I ask, does this further clarify the mystery?”
”Oh, ventrebleu!” the abbe mumbled, overcome as he was by the pleasurable lesson, “don’t you see, my dear boy, that I’m teaching the whole thing in one fell swoop. That’s the trinity I’m demonstrating in today’s lesson. Another six or seven lessons and you’ll be as learned as any doctor at the Sorbonne!”
